Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.