News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
me irl
Mistakes were made
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.