11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Social Media and Real life
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.