I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.