Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
accurate
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.