The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Not today, today.
Not today.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My wife gives the best headache.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Day 2 of my diet