You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
You Might Also Like
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I support this random dude and all his protests
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.