Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.