if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.