HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.