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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse