Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
You Might Also Like
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
choose your fighter
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky