If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I love twitter
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
i hope my email finds you on fire
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows