If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.