I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.