Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers