Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
TWEET CALL
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused