taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Received some very disappointing news today
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already