me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
What about a To-Don’t List?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.