got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
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Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
bad news gang
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I found your tweet-up…
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?