KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.