Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us