Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
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[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total