We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.