I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
You Might Also Like
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I have no passwords left in me
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that