Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.