The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
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Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.