I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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Haha good job!!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I never needed anything more in my life
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.