Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Bless you
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon