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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
There is wisdom there.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.