My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
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End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
that de-escalated quickly
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”