I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
You Might Also Like
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever