My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*