No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.