Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
There’s never enough good news
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me