Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.