I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”