Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
work smarter, not harder
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Feels like the fourth month in January
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.