FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
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I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Guilty! 🤪
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow