🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.