Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
mmm onion ringos
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.