Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what