Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I’m confused about plants
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.