*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.