You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.