People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Uh oh…
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
No chill.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.