When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
gm
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?