People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
i will not be silenced
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
some Old Testament wisdom