Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this