Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
peep davidson
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
We’re all getting idioter.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.